A Taste of the Whip-Chain

Disclaimer: this has gotta be the cockiest thing I’ve written in my entire life, short of to a high school teacher who insisted to my class that John Steinbeck was one of the greatest British authors who ever trod the sod. If you want a great laugh at my expense–and who doesn’t?–skip to the end of the page and read Stackfault’s comment. I stand corrected and utterly humbled. You da man, Stackfault.

I open my email this morning to find the following gem:

Subject: Don’t Ignore Top Ranking On Google.

Hi There

The harsh reality of today’s business world is that you have to be on top of google

If you are ignoring that… then your competition is beating you every second, because customers are searching for your services every second and guess what you are not there.

We are ex google employees and we know google inside out. Right now we are accepting new clients for a very short time at discounted price. Get back to us and we can discuss further.

We also provide Creative Web design And Development services.

[Blithering Idiot]

And my response:

Dear [Blithering Idiot],

Hmm…”ex google employees”…well, I can certainly understand why. But as it happens, my blog IS on top of Google. Number seven with a bullet.

So I have earth-shattering news for you: given that I essentially pimp out my free time in front of a keyboard, right now I’m also accepting new clients for a very short time “at discounted price” of, say, ninety bucks an hour. Since you offer “Creative Web design And Development services” even though your solicitation is riddled with typos, your credibility is questionable and you’re clearly in need of editorial help. Get back to me and we can discuss further.

I remain your humble servant,


Yeah, yeah…it’s obviously broadcast spam. Sometimes, though, it’s a good writing warmup to give these fools a taste of the whip-chain. And hell, in early retirement it’s important to keep oneself busy.

Author: ER Dude

Sick of your job? After a thirteen-year career, Early Retirement Dude fled corporate America for good. You can do it too! Visit http://EarlyRetirementDude.com or email EarlyRetirementDude@gmail.com.

4 thoughts

  1. Don’t you just love long email solicitations? What do people not understand, its like dating, you don’t just walk up to someone and say “come hop in my sack” (well, unless you work for Hollywood then apparently its okay because “its the culture”). At least try to date a little first before just trying to sell me shit!

    1. >Don’t you just love long email solicitations?

      Yes. Try flipping the script. Not long ago I followed somebody on Twitter and got back an automated message that said, “We are now accepting guest posts.” After grinding my teeth to stay civil I messaged this person back and said, “Cool. I’m accepting guest posts too.”

      He wrote me a guest post.

  2. Based on what my company’s information security team taught us, you just validated that there is an active person behind your e-mail address, greatly increasing it’s value on the e-mail list market. Those “ex google employees” that spammed you based on a list they bought can create a new list of the e-mails that replied to them and sell that to others at a higher rate per address. The same happens when we click “unsubscribe”, we get off one list only to be put on two more. Then again, maybe that’ll just create more opportunities for you to whip-chain more spammers, offering them your services.

    1. Well, fuck.

      You know, you should never distract a man from convincing himself he’s more clever than he actually is. Just sit back and enjoy the show and go home thinking, “There but for the grace of God…” etc. etc.

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