Chapter Two: Rat Trap

And then, when I reached into the register to steal all the cash, I was startled to find only a big brute rat trap, no money, and the trap snapped on my fingers and broke most of them…so I was dancing around in circles bellowing ow—ow—OW—OW!, waving my throbbing hand in the air and wondering how I’d ever pick my nose again; and that’s when I realized I’d set the burglar alarm off.

Which was stupid. I mean, why would anyone need a burglar alarm when they keep an enormous rat trap in the cash register? Like, what’s the point? When the trap snaps on the burglar’s fingers you’ve pretty much incapacitated them, which makes it easy to pop their head into a pillowcase and tie them up and carry them into the kitchen and dump them into, say, a vat of tartar sauce.

So: not wanting to be dumped into a vat of tartar sauce, I looked around desperately and thought: Dangit! Now what?


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