Chapter One: At the Sushi Bar

So my mom and I were at the sushi bar having dinner when this kid at the next table yorked an entire octopus tentacle straight up and out and onto his plate in front of everybody, and—check it out—the tentacle must’ve been freshly amputated, because it wriggled its way across their table and wrapped around a pair of chopsticks and BOING! it sling-shotted itself across the aisle and splatted directly on my mom’s yakitori.

I grabbed the soy sauce bottle so I could bludgeon it into goo, but it immediately schlurped onto her shoulder and oozed its way up her neck—with her yelping in panic and slapping it—so I darted to the kitchen and seized a fire extinguisher and a chef’s knife, but when I got back to our table the entire staff had gathered there trying to rip the tentacle off my mom’s face, and so—thinking very quickly—I dropped the knife and extinguisher and snuck to the front of the restaurant and looted the cash register while they were distracted.

And then…

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