Chapter Five: On Birthday Parties

As I was saying, when you’re at a birthday party it’s always wise to keep an eye on the other guests at all times, because when they all drop their cake and bolt for the door it’s CRUCIAL for you to jump up out of the bathtub and follow them. Don’t even stop for your clothing. You can sort everything out later; after you’re safe.

You have to do this no matter what the cause is. Could be a fire, could be an axe murderer named “Goober” chopping his way through the rear wall of your house…but it doesn’t matter why your guests are fleeing; assume there’s a good reason for it.

I also think shopping malls are fraught with peril—all those creepy little bucking ostriches you put a quarter in and ride on; why do they have such evil grins and sharp fangs and bloody lips? I mean, bills? But that’s a story for another day.

Back to Goober and his axe.


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