Chapter Eight: Reggie

My pet electric eel’s name was Reggie. May his soul rest in peace.

Reggie was an interesting eel. Very intelligent. He liked to hang out in the bottom of the aquarium hiding under the Elvis figurine—little ceramic castles are BORING—and he’d sit there eating science books. This had given him a thorough knowledge of physics, so one day I emptied him into the toilet and drained the aquarium and built a little chalkboard next to the Elvis figurine and filled it back up and lifted Reggie out of the toilet and wiped him off as best I could, and returned him to the aquarium.

The chalk was water resistant up to ten inches deep. Reggie immediately seized it in his mouth and wrote proof on the chalkboard that not only was it possible to travel faster than light, but when an axe murder named Goober was chasing you around the house hollering and threatening to chop you to bits, you’d better do so, and you should also…


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